It's hard, having so many things I want to create and so little energy to create them. In the last year I've managed to knit two hats (one of which was in chunky yarn so really didn't take long), one child's scarf and a pair of fingerless mitts (see pic').
I'm about 3/4 of the way through knitting a strappy top (next pic'), I've about 4" of a stole done and have almost finished a cross-stitch keyring. All in all a feeble creative haul.
The list of planned projects just keeps growing.
So why have I become so slow to create anything when creativity and crafting is what keeps me sane? Energy, or the lack thereof. Caffeine is my friend, caffeine is wonderful; it let's me borrow from the evening enough energy to get through the day at work but that's what it is, a borrowing not a giving. Come the evening it's about all I can do to cook a meal and wash some dishes, in fact our takeaway consumption rather proves that often I can't even manage that. Come my day off the best friend I have is my duvet, if I have a pair of days off the second might see some housework and a little creativity but the first day off is almost entirely lost to exhaustion. I don't want to be like this!
Having to admit to myself that I am never 100% well is hard. It really came home to me a couple of months ago; Mr Goth asked me what was wrong and when I replied that I just didn't feel all that well he snapped at me "You never do!" I burst into tears but it made me think, and he's right, I never do feel well, on a good day I just feel tired and a bit low but a lot of the time I really do feel under the weather. Well, we're beginning to understand why.
I was already aware that I have pernicious anaemia due to an inability to absorb vitamin B12 from food, that's more or less kept under control with B12 jabs every 12 weeks, and that I have chronic depression. I've been resigned since my teens to living with a degree of acne but my self esteem had really taken a nosedive as the amount of facial hair I grow has increased to beardly proportions (and now seems to be being joined by other undesirable bodyhair). I managed to resist plucking for a couple of weeks and asked my GP what she felt the safest method of managing my problem might be; she immediately mentioned the possibility that the cause of my problem might be PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome), which seemed likely as my sister is already known to have PCOS: but she also requested a load of blood tests to pretty much cover any eventuality. The blood tests came back with a raised Prolactin level so she referred me to the endocrinologist (hormone specialist) and said PCOS probably wasn't the cause after all. Oh I love being complicated! The endocrinologist told me that I probably have two hormone problems going on; the raised prolactin wouldn't cause the facial hair, acne and mood swings so she thinks it likely that I do have PCOS but the raised prolactin is another issue and most commonly caused by an overactive/enlarged pituitary gland. So, more blood tests to check all the other pituitary hormones and I'm waiting for an MRI scan. She said the blood test for PCOS wouldn't work for me as my contraceptive implant would mask the results however the clinical profile seems to fit, a bit of reading though and it seems an ultrasound scan of the ovaries is an alternative diagnostic tool so I will ask about that as it makes sense to get an accurate diagnosis.
Anyway; it's small wonder I'm always tired with conflicting hormonal messages sending me all over the place. It's actually a relief to know there is something wrong! I was feeling so guilty about always feeling tired and rundown, which obviously didn't help with my depression. I still don't like feeling tired all the time but at least I feel able to be kinder to myself about it.
My wonderful sister (The Scientist) has lent me the books she found most helpful in learning to manage her PCOS and I'm trying to take on board the advice they give; I'm particularly finding their food advice useful, perhaps because what I eat is something I do have complete control over.
The possibly overactive or enlarged pituitary gland, well I can't do a lot about that myself but once we've got all the blood test results and had the MRI scan we'll have a clearer idea what's going on and the endocrinologist will be able to advise me on the most appropriate treatment. I have to confess when the GP first told me I might have an enlarged pituitary gland I was scared, especially when a bit of online research suggested surgery is the most common treatment; well, I met a lovely lady 3 days after she had had surgery to remove the enlarged section of her pituitary gland and she was so positive about how much better she was already feeling and how good the surgeon had been that most of the fear evaporated.
I'm not writing this to ask for sympathy but to encourage anyone who happens to be reading this and feels generally rundown but can't put their finger on why to talk to their GP. If I hadn't asked about something that to me seemed unrelated to my health we wouldn't have found out that there is a problem (or two), so don't be afraid to talk to the GP about seemingly vague problems it's got to be better to pick up on things early than to miss a problem because you're not sure whether there's something wrong or not.